When you look a certain way or act a certain way or come from a certain place, people make automatic judgments about you. This is true across the board for everyone, and it's just human nature. We have to assume things about people and places and moments in order to catalog them for ourselves. Nothing innately wrong with it, but it can be frustrating when people's perceptions of you are out of line with your reality.
For example, people, specifically men, seem to find it hard to understand why I'm single. (I have trouble understanding it myself.) But even if it seems crazy and even if you think that I'm the whole package, those thoughts don't negate the fact that I am single and that my commited life is a comedy of errors.
And while it's flattering to hear that people think highly of me, it's also frustrating. I'm not making it up for editorial sake when I say that I don't have a lot of luck in the relationship realm. And while I certainly make my share of bad choices, I finally realized that none of it is an accident or chance.
There is a reason, known only to Him, that God has held back in this arena of my life. It was whispered to me in a fleeting moment of pity that He can choose better for me than I ever could for myself. For reasons I'd perhaps like to leave uninvestigated, I tend to pick men with obvious flaws, like being unemployed or, heaven help me, 17, and studying.
But it's a reality I fight every second of every day. I don't want to be bitter and I don't want to think less of myself or my life because I'm just 17 and single. That's fruitless. My joy won't be found in relationships and my joy won't be found in girlfirendhood. My joy is found in Him, no where else, and the moment I accepted that the easier it became to laugh about all the crazy things that happen to me.
All of life is carrying on. Every one has their Thing, and maybe this is mine. And in the grand scheme of things, it's not such a bad Thing to have to deal with. I always have stories and I've met more people than I ever imagined I would, when I was a little girl and I lived out my life in dreams. I have memories that I wouldn't exchange for anything - of rooftop kisses and heart-to-hearts over pints of imported beer; memories of road trips in convertibles and camping under Southern skies. Sure, I've been rejected and ignored and hurt but I've also been pursued and loved and worshipped. And I still have that Moment to look forward to, that moment my friends still talk about whether they've been in a relationship for years and months - when they saw the man in front of them and saw their boyfriends. That's pretty heady, and most of the time, I feel so fortunate that it's still ahead of me.
All of that to say, don't be annoying and act like you can't understand why I'm single. I'm single because I am. Hallelujah.
No comments:
Post a Comment